Are You a Dirty Girl?

You might be a dirty girl if you've spent more money

to keep the deer away from a plant

than it would cost to replace the plant.
                                                                                                                                                 You might be a dirty girl if your kitchen

utensils occasionally do double duty outdoors.

You might be a dirty girl if you cannot

conceal a smile as you tell tales of killing slugs.

You might be a dirty girl if you have ruined

clothing because you mysteriously found yourself weeding.

You might be a dirty girl if you have spent

more money on plants than on groceries.

You might be a dirty girl if you have urinated

in your yard trying to keep away critters.

You might be a dirty girl if you have ever used the

'f' word while running through your yard

in a nightgown shooing rabbits.

You might be a dirty girl if your manicure

maintains a greenish brown hue a full

three months of every year.

You might be a dirty girl if you have ever

conducted a search and seizure of a rare plant

 from an abandoned property.

You might be a dirty girl if you suspect that God made rainy days so that you can get some housework done.

You might be a dirty girl if you understand that

"a favorite of birds" means you'd be a fool to plant

it near your clothesline or driveway.

You might be a dirty girl if you believe that plants

labeled "vigorous" have a Napoleonic compulsion

to take over the world.

You might be a dirty girl if you suspect that "Zone 5 with protection" is a variation on the phrase "Russian roulette."

You might be a dirty girl if you get sweaty palms and blurred vision when you think of those novice gardeners who ask big box employees for plant advice. [You might be a really dirty girl if you have been unable to control yourself and interrupted one of those inquiries by shouting "Begonias are annuals!"]

You might be a dirty girl if you laugh uncontrollably at the mention of a 'low maintenance garden'.